Archive | December 2014

My Credo 2015

The clock will turn at midnight and we will have a New Year.   I’ve heard it said that some men use “The Godfather” as the Magic 8 ball to answer all of life’s questions. My girlish counterpart to that is “When Harry Met Sally”. Here I find comfort, joy, laughter, and odd Magic 8 Ball solutions to some of life’s questions. Its New Year’s Eve and along with My Credo. I’d like to share this little New Year’s clip from my favorite movie

This is my Credo. It’s a personal inventory of what I believe, how I feel, and things that have internal meaning to me today. My fundamental beliefs and guiding principles. I started writing a yearly Credo in 2009. Now & then, as time passed, I added, adapted, or deleted parts of My Credo. Here is my 2015 revision…

I believe in love.

I believe love is wishing others happiness. To everyone I was once very close to and feels that maybe I left them behind, I want them to know that although we have gone down different paths, in my heart I wish you happiness. I still love you all, just differently.

I believe I can love, I can lose love, and still want to risk doing it again.

I believe in the power of vulnerability. That my vulnerability is beautiful.

I believe in the power of laughter. Surrounding myself with joy.

I believe in smiling every day and being a source of positive energy.

I believe in living courageously. Being whole hearted. Continue reading


All Praise the Master

This podcast is about an hour long and the cast is a large one consisting of eight people. There are four Masters, three of which also identify as a Daddy and three slaves plus one girl. The topic “All praise the Master” is discussion around an idea that “any praise the Master gets is showered upon the slave”.

I cringe a bit listening through this podcast today realizing how much of what is edited and a bulk of what is left behind is very personal. I had to stop listening at one point and went to go sleep, because I didn’t want to relive this conversation. After my nap I tried to listen again and found myself wanting to turning it off again, but worked through my emotions and listened to the end. I feel I have come a long way in a short time. This podcast conversation is actually rather benign, but touches on the edge of some other personal issues that are painful memories. There is a part of me that felt haunted hearing myself in this podcast saying the words, “It was my fault, I chose to stay” and “I don’t know why I stayed.”

Reflecting on the topic of Praise as discussed throughout this edition of Structured By Design, I find myself agreeing with one of the Masters who says praise rolls both ways, uphill from the slave and down hill from the Master. This comment reminded me of a class I took by River Dark called, “Caring and Feeding of he Top” where River spoke about the praise and appreciation rolling uphill from the /s to the Master. I also am thinking about one slave saying how important it is to know the other persons love language. Things I will spend time pondering more over the coming weeks.

I hope you decide to tune in and take a seat to listen to the most recent release of Structured by Design and feel free to leave comments here or at their blog page.

In Leather and Steel,

Structured by Design


We talk about who really is deserving of praise, and if it’s even needed. Tell us what you think, in the comments.

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The last month or more I have been having steady Fridates with one of my leather sisters Stacey la Tejena. Fridays are for me what Saturdays are for most other people and Saturday mornings are my Sundays. Pretty much my social life is one day behind the norm. I haven’t been part of the majority in many areas of my life for years, so that I find myself one day behind the rest of the social world is not too bad hehe. One of the things I have enjoyed about being single in the city is that I have been able to cross a lot of my want to do things off my bucket list. I’m not a native New Yorker, so I find a lot of joy in catching some of the traditional touristy sites and adventures. I am kinky and so that sometimes includes things on my list that an everyday NY tourist might not have on the list, but generally kinky people are just like everyone else with some added twists.

Last week was Black Friday here in the US and I spent it in rather unconventional ways. I haven’t gone out on Black Friday in years, maybe, quite seriously, decades. I have an aversion to large, tight, aggressive crowds and there is no saving amount that can get me to intentionally put myself through that psychological discomfort to buy material items. Also I kind of have a thing against conforming to buying gift on preset commercially assigned dates of the calendar. I am not against buying gifts at all, I just do not feel I need to wait until an assigned giving date that society has predetermined for me. So, I was invited by Stacy girl to go out to Connecticut for the weekend to visit with her former Dom J. Stacy and I hopped on the Metro North line and for $5.50 found ourselves in Stamford, Ct and waiting at the station to be picked up by J. We were promptly collected at the station and whisked away to his new home that I must say he has done an outstanding job of organizing and even managed to not make it look too much like a man cave! Truly it is a very nice and comfy apartment. J made a day bed into a sofa and I was telling jade that it is awesome! It’s like a big play pen. Continue reading

World AIDS Day 2014 – A reflection


I’ve had a lot of reasons to reflect on what this day means to me this particular year. I thought about what it was like in the 1980’s when we still had no real idea how AIDS spread, the stereo typing, and the fear and hate that many experienced. I thought about how lucky I have been that I met people who lived through that here in NYC. How living through that era and witnessing what they have has shaped the leather they share today.

I’ve undergone many struggles as of late. My primary relationship ended, I became unemployed, had to give up my housing, and I was nearly homeless. All of this happening while being in a place where I had no real roots, support, family, community, or so I thought. My recent plights turned into blessings and through it, coming out of the storm, what I have noticed is one more way that we experience Leather.

I’m not going to focus on why my relationship ended, became unemployed, or lost my housing, but I want to tell you about AIDS, Leather, and community in my subculture. I will tell you that all three, the relationship, the job, the housing, had to end for physical or good health reasons, but the details are not so important. I will also tell you that these events started in May/June of 2014 and are just now in December seeming to take a final turn out of the darkness and I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, So, it’s been a small journey getting back on my feet. The getting back on my feet is the part I want to talk about.

This morning I was at The Center for my weekly therapy session that is helping me with the aftermath of the unhealthy relationship I left in June and that is when I saw that today was World AIDS Day. I couldn’t help of think of words my friend Sir Raven told me about living in NYC during the 1980’s when AIDS was spreading wild in the Leather and gay community. She told me about how they took care of their own. I remember her telling me about the butches, dykes, lesbians, and leather women took care of their brothers. That this is what she learned is what we do in leather. Take. Care. Of. Our. Own. And as much as she hates attention I have to say, this is how Sir Raven and her slave jade helped me, when each day brought darker news. They gave me arms, a shoulder, and an ear. They gave me a couch, food, a roof.

Today I am working productively towards healing emotional and psychological damaged caused from an unhealthy relationship, enjoying a better job with good condition and benefits, and on my way to safe housing and being independent. It’s really scary to admit this, but the fact is I could have died 6 months ago. In half a year my life changed from the bleakest of darkness to a world of blessings. I have so much to be grateful for each day. My life is not easy by any means, it is still as struggle and I am often exhausted, but I find my way each day to create space in my life for beautiful happenings. I give credit to myself for doing the internal work daily to make the space, but I give credit to Sir Raven, jade, and a few others who pick me up, brushed off my knees, and helped me take each step one at a time to get to today. This is what leather does. When what we are going through is ugly and the world doesn’t want to see, our leather family doesn’t turn away, they step forward.

This is leather, this is family. I am so blessed to have this Levi-Leather woman in my life and her devoted slave. Thank you for taking care of me when it seems all I had to offer in return was despair and suffering.

Leather. Takes. Care. Of. Its. Own.