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F.E.A.R.

fearmeanings

One day in September I did a banking errand for my mom and inside the teller’s area I saw this acronym, F.E.A.R. written on a dry erase board. I’ve seen it or heard before someplace, yet each time I visited the bank I would find myself looking at the board and stare at it. I’d wait in line and quietly reflect. I’m definitely not a Forget Everything And  Run kind of girl. I’ve thought about times in my life where I had to pick myself up, dust myself off, and just move forward, one step, then another, and another. Over those two months I spent caring for my mom in Florida through to today my mind kept going back to those words on the board. Maybe it was premonition. Maybe, that message was preparing me for these past few months and also the months and years that are ahead of us. I have been feeling fear in a number of areas of my life recently.  I have this strange feeling this message came to me at just the right time and that it’s so important for me to Face Everything And Rise right now.

I finally came out to all of my family in the past year. My children and my ex-husband already knew about me being queer and kinky. This was new information for my mother, step-dad, sister, brothers, and in-laws. Some clearly prefer to just not speak about the matter, while others have been very accepting, warm, and loving. I remember telling my mom first. I sat with her at the dining room table, just her and I alone. I was nervous, but it went well. I am fortunate that I’ve always had a close relationship with my mom. I’ve always believed I could tell her anything and that she would still love me. Even then, it was still scary. I guess it’s because I thought it would confuse her, possibly scare her, anger her, disappoint or hurt her. Yet, I knew I had to find the courage to spit the words out and that it would somehow be okay. I didn’t want to live another day longer hiding who I am. And somehow I found the words and it was all okay. I love my mother with all my heart. Face Everything And Rise.

holding-handsMy girlfriend is amazing. She spoils me with affection and truly she inspires me to be better and do better. Of course I think my Daddy is the best and deserves all kinds of goodness and kindness. Everyday I want to bring joy and happiness into her life. There has been more than a few times when I have had to call a BFF to walk me off the ledge, because the truth is sometimes I think she deserves better than me. She’s very organized, completely got this adulting thing down one hundred percent, and just has it all so together. Meanwhile, I’m going through life flying by the seat of my pants, usually making it up as I go along, and so often very sure that I am quite a hot mess. Maybe a fun, sexy, lovable hot mess, but a hot mess all the same. So sometimes I feel insecure or fearful, because I am opening my heart to love again. Yet, I’m a risk taker, so I just leap. And as surprising as it is to me, my hot butch Daddy feels similar fears too. And then there are other fears. External fears of how our progressive little bubble of NYC may change in the coming years. I will not stop holding her hand, kissing her, or hide my love. Love is love. So each day, week, month, and hopefully over the years, together we will overcome our fears. Face Everything And Rise.

fear-quotesSome days I still become emotional and cry when I think about this year’s Presidential election. Like many other women, the loss hurt, but even more it’s left a shadow of fear. I fear for my young adult daughters. I fear for my gay and trans friends. I fear for immigrants and people of color. I fear for all marginalized groups. That’s a lot of fear and I have to lift myself up, dust myself off, and move forward. One step, then another, and another. Now is not the time to lose heart. Now is the time for strong women to support each other and build each other up. I’ll be in NYC volunteering for Lesbian Sex Mafia. I’ll be in Washington, DC on January 21, 2017 at the Women’s March on Washington. I’ll do what I can to hold space. I know who I am. I’m the kind of girl who will Face Everything And Rise.

Busy as a Bee

the_bee_and_the_flower_204010I’ve been busy and I’m happy to say it has not been all work. I’ve been busy in a good way going to a lot of fun places and events with new and old friends. I’ve been reconnecting with people. Or maybe it’s that I am finally connecting in a deeper and more sincere way to people who I was only able to be acquaintances with or friendly with in the past. I am filled up in the present and the past becomes more and more of just that – the past. It’s still an open wound, but each day it becomes more of a place through which light enters. My present is filled with a lot of goodness. For all this I am grateful. Continue reading

Cruising and Interior. Leather Bar.

Last night while people all over the US where flocking to movie meccas to watch a poorly written book come to life on the big screen, I was laying comfortable in a chase lounge watching “Interior. Leather Bar.” This morning I awoke wondering how many people would not know who or what I was talking about if I brought up “Cruising” (1980), Stonewall Inn, or Tony DeBlase? I think about the reactions that Cruising brought forward in its day and then to the offense taken in recent times to this weeks big movie release. There always seems to be enough room for someone to be offended and feel entirely misrepresented. Cruising, starring Al Pacino, is a movie about a serial killer targeting gay men, specifically in the leather scene. For the movie to receive an R rating and reach the big screen, forty minutes where required to be deleted.

Many years later James Franco made his interpretation of what those forty missing minutes from Cruising in his movie production of “Interior. Leather bar.” I was very interested in the development of the main actor and I like how it was filmed more like a behind the scenes view. If you want to watch the full movie it is available on Netflix.

Making Space for Welcomes

I’ve decided 2015 is the Year of Creating. So, I’ve been busy lately making space for “welcomes” in my life.

rainbow scoutNYC Little Scouts

I’ve recently taken initiative to start a group called NYC Little Scouts Troop 212. The group’s vision is to create a safe, fun, social & educational space for persons, from little – Big, age player and non-age players alike, of any gender, identification, and orientation in the kink subculture. This group is based on a scout troop model, mostly with age players and animal players in mind, with a minor uniform element, earned merit badges, field trips, and regular meetings. What it is not, is that in NO way is this group related or affiliated to Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts of America. It is with great joy that I have begun this undertaking of forming and organizing events for this *little* niche of our kinky subculture. Continue reading