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A Letter to My Daughter

2016-03-23 12.34.59

More flowers for your birthday. Ephermeral cherry blossoms.

When I tell people about the day you were born I say it was the most empowering day of my life. Your birth was magical. You were born in the house where we lived, surrounded by people who loved us, as the sun was setting. And at the moment of your birth there was a gentle breeze that flowed in from the front window and with it the scent of delicate rock roses. And as I breathed in that sweetness, I knew your Granpa G. was there with us. Unlike many people, your birth name has meaning. I love you with all my heart.

Today my second child and my youngest is turning 23 years old. My first child was born in a hospital. My second was born at home with a midwife. As a woman and a mother I felt strength during her pregnancy and birth. My mantra was, “I have confidence in my body to do what it was created to do naturally.” Her birth was a back labor and lasted 23 hours. Having her at home was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my whole life. It truly was empowering.

I remember digging up those rock roses from the front yard of the home my husband grew up in. He lived in the same house his entire childhood. When we got married, no one lived there, as his parents had retired further south, so we moved in. Those roses were originally in front of the room his sister grew up in and the room that eventually was our first daughter’s nursery. My father in-law, Tom,  was a horticulturalist by hobby. These were his roses. My father in-law was a second father to me. I lost my own when I was nine years old. I am not sure I could have loved Grandpa G. more for all the kindness, affection, and love he gave me. He died before my littlest was born. The irony, both my father and father in-law were taken from me by cancer. Roses do not survive well when but these were his roses, for his little girl. I was not surprised when they survived. I think I willed them to live.

My daughters each have a family name. Hers is Serene, after Tom’s mother. I remember sitting at his bed side and him saying he wished he could live to see more grandchildren. I didn’t know it, but I was pregnant. Eight months later Serene was born. The breeze winding in the room and the scent of those roses. I knew Tom saw his granddaughter. I felt it in my heart.

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Going to the place that’s the best…

This is my best friend jade. I can’t think of a better friend than her to have. I love her. Here is a little piece of her to share…

The Chrysanthemum and The Sword

Unlike what most people imagine, my experience with the Biker gang wasn’t fundamentally different from my gender rigid role childhood.  While i most fervently hope that there is one single Club House in the Sky, where all of our fallen brothers and sisters went before us and are waiting for another reason to have a cook-out.  i hope heaven has miles of clean ocean and rows of Harley’s.

My biological father is a biker.  The very best memory i have of him is wrapping my arms around him and sitting so close on the bike.  i didn’t have to let go.  i couldn’t stop smiling and swallowed a bug.  He called me Angel.  He smelled like leather, sweat, and a bit sweet from his pipe.  i wanted that bike ride to never end.

My mother said the only time she was happy during her pregnancy was on the back of…

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Daddy vs Master

Podcast developed by some good friends of mine that are active members of NYC MAsT Metro NY. The focus is a view from people currently in or actively seeking a Master/slave dynamic.

This particular discussion is about Masters and slave who include Daddy/girl as part of their dynamic.

Structured by Design

king kong vs godzilla

We discuss the difference between a Daddy and a Master. Only to find out there’s not much difference.

Click it, you know you want to.

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MsC 2014: Creating our Reality

This past weekend I was in Rockville, Maryland attending the Master/slave Conference and I am thinking that this event is going to have big effect in my path.  This is the first time I have gone to a big conference as a single girl. I took small steps …on creating my reality.

I have been up a lot since I got home and I was not sure what I learned in this conference. It’s taken me a lot of hours to process this weekend. I was initially left feeling that I had ended with more questions than answers. And I think that is… good.

I know that over the past few days I did things each day that were out of my comfort zone. I am an introvert. I have a dominant personality. I struggle with these two conflicted qualities. These qualities have left me in recent times wondering if there was any place for me in a hierarchal relationship and would anyone want me? There were moments during this weekend that brought forward a huge amount of emotion for me. There are a series of incidents from this weekend that keep coming together in my mind that are exhausting me today. Continue reading

What Do You Want From Your Relationship? v. 1.1

On July 5, 2014, I wrote about my initial thoughts before our monthly MAsT Metro NY meeting on the topic of “What Do You Want from Your Relationship”, but until now I haven’t completed my follow up. I’ve decided to stop waiting for all my thoughts to be “perfect” and to dig into what are the most important things I need from a relationship and to write it down. I sat here about 10 minutes and told myself focus, stop being distracted by frivolous web pages, “put pen to paper” and instead of being overwhelmed by the list of wants and needs start with three and then work to say what it means to me. From my view, the following three things are a two way street in a relationship. I need trust, respect, and accountability.

1. Trust Trust is number one and it is a boundary that I cannot allow to go without consequences. It is a line in the sand. Upon entering a relationship trust needs to be discussed to the extent that remedies for forgiveness needs to be expressed and agreed to by all persons, the consequences of repeated broken trust need to be verbally expressed and consented by all persons, and there needs to be a plan and support system in case trust in broken. I will not express here specifics, but any person(s) I would seriously consider a hierarchical relationship will get transparency from me is order to create the best environment for all persons. I need to trust that the person I am with is truly going to be making decisions with my best interest not only “at heart”, but in “mind”. This needs to apply to the entire household if it is triad, family, or a pack. Trust needs to include being treated fairly and to be aware of the emotional, physical, and fiscal well-being of the household members.

2. Respect Common courtesy is what I express to people as a matter of good manners, but my respect is something that is earned. Respect is not a matter of a person’s titles, appointments within our “community”, or a resume. I need to feel respect for the person in charge of the household in order for me to freely turn my will over to them and feel surrender. How a person goes from receiving basic common courtesy from me and moves toward respect, is with actions. How a person conducts themselves through the span of a relationship, before, during, and after its end speaks volumes. As does being treated with value and importance. Do your actions match your words? Do mine? The answer needs to be definitively yes, and yes.

3. Accountability. An accountable person answers for and takes responsibility for their actions and the actions of the household members. The dominant should have a vision of how they wish to develop the property and a larger vision of the direction they wish to steer the household. A person who has chosen to be the authority and the leader, is expected to answer and be held responsible for the failures. If you want the power, you will be expected be accountable for caring for the property you have accepted in a household before, during, and yes also after, in the case the relationship ends. Does this mean the property is never accountable? No. The property should be expected to be held accountable to the Head of Household. Also, rule number one, Protect the Property is not only for the dominant, it is also the responsibility of the property to protect oneself.

As stated at the beginning, from my point of view, trust, respect, and accountability are two way streets. I have learned that it is necessary to set boundaries. For me these three topics are so important that they are deal breakers. I need to trust and be trusted, I need to be treated with respect and feel respect for the Head of Household, and I need to know the person has the strength to hold me accountable and to accept accountability for all persons in the household.

I Dream Lately

I dream lately,
I dream of things that never were.
A dance that never happened.
A spin that never turned.
I dream of scary things too
To horrid to mention.
Anger, rage, unkindness, destruction.
I don’t want to see that,
I try to not remember.
I wonder why they come now?
After a long silence,
My mind is speaking in my sleep.
I long for the quiet days again,
Yet I wake.
I am being forced to feel…

I haven’t had many dreams or nightmares in the past year and half. The past couple of nights I’ve had dreams. The first one was something bad, but I can’t remember now. The second was sad, but I wouldn’t say it was a nightmare. Yesterday morning I laid in bed thinking about my dream and then I sprang up, grabbed my laptop and wrote about the images in my mind. I let it flow freely. Today I am looking over the words. I have blurred images of the dance. Was it a salsa? I will never know. The dance was incomplete. I remember the step forward, the arm raised, his elbow out, but there was no more. There was no spin. No twirl. No follow through. The dance was never completed.

I am not sure what I am feeling more right now. Anger or sadness. I hear my little sisters voice in my head and she says, “You can’t move past it, but you can move through it.” I’m healing. I am doing the work to move through it. As I sit here I breathe, reflect, and let go. My heart is filled with love. I amaze myself. I am able to send a flow of positive energy, to those who do not know how to move through the pain and continue to live with demons.

Generally, I don’t sleep well. I haven’t slept well in a long time. But now there are some days that I lay in the play pen and I nap. I nap in a way that I haven’t in many months. Some nights I curl up in the play pen and I do sleep for hours. I think my body is saying it’s okay, you’re safe, you can sleep now, you can dream again.

What Do You Want From Your Relationship? v 1.0

MAsT Metro NY is having their monthly meeting on July 13, from 2:00 – 5:00 at the NYC LGBT Center and the discussion topic is, “What do you want from your M/s Relationship?” I have never been in a M/s relationship, the closest would be an O/p style relationship that I explored for a few months with a man who lived here in NYC. I was very content in the relationship and found him to be an exceptional dominant. Unfortunately, at the time our lives did not sync and it would have to remain long distance and that was something I was not willing to do. You don’t have to be in a M/s relationship though to look at this question and simply apply it to whatever hierarchical or power exchange relationship you engage in. This question upon first glance seems like it should be easy to just make a list, but replies like control or accountability for example merely scratch the surface. We need to dig deeper if we want to understand and express to others what we mean when we use these words.

Some of the initial words and ideas that came to my mind were structure, consistency, vision, intimacy, affection, trust, honesty, loyalty, challenged to grow, contribute, and acknowledgement. That is a bit of a list and I sat down to think about what do I mean when I say these things? I am going to work on defining what these things mean to me and come back after the July 13th meeting with a report on what I brought, what I learned, and what changed in my mind and on my list as a result.