In my past I have been drawn in to relationships mostly by persons who fall into the bad boy, rebel, adventurer personalities, and nice guys did not fare so well in gaining my attention as a romantic interest. I am sure many people can relate to hearing or saying the words. “I like you. You’re really nice…” and knowing that is the code for letting a person know they are friendship material. It’s kind of the kiss of death for romantic interests when a person hears that. The other week I said these words to someone, yet it was the first time I caught myself saying it and knowing that it did not mean that at all. For once I am looking for nice. Nice is under rated. I could really use someone nice in my life. I’ve heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am doing something new. This time around nice guys finish first. Continue reading
I moved to the US when I was a small child, Spanish was my first language, and English was my second. A part of the English language I have never mastered is idioms, phrases, and expressions. A week before the New Year was coming about, I was having a helluva day and as tough as it was, what I thought was “Two steps forward, one step back.” I stopped and thought to myself, “Is that the right way to say it?” I believe the more common expression is, “One step forward, two steps back.” The former us dealing with the story of a frog trying to get out of a well and the later more well known as being used by Lenin in his work “The Crisis in Our Party”. The day I was having a week or so ago, as bad as it was, I still felt that overall my life was moving in the right direction and that I was making progress like the frog in the well. Life is sometimes about getting up, brushing our dirty knees off, and taking those small steps.
I’ve got a lot of good things happening in my life. I have a new job with good benefits, where I am treated with respect and valued, I have a new home and regained privacy, and I have my family and friends who love me and support and encourage me during hard times. The first time in over three years I had both of my daughters with me at the same time and we spent the entire last week of December exploring New York City together. Some people talk about family, biological and chosen, and too often there is the either/or and not both. Worse is that there are some people who have neither, but hold onto a façade. I think how sad it is that a person has to create a false truth surrounding their family, biological or other. It is when I think of this that I feel so deeply and see so clearly how very much I have to be grateful for in my life right now. I hear my leather sister’s voice and it says, “You have to make space in your life for good to happen.” It’s not always easy, but I do it anyway. I’ve been taking steps forward. Continue reading
I’ve started writing about four other different journal topics, but I can’t find the resolve to finish any of them. As I sit in the playpen, I talk to my little sister and tell her about the struggle going on inside me that says to “Write something happy, pleasant, and joyful, instead of topics that are serious and a bit intense.” And her reply is, “Well, who is telling you that your journal has to be about writing things that are happy?” and I blurt very quickly, “I do!” I sat for a few moments with these thoughts and the idea that came to my mind was that of The Bad Wolf. There are days when The Bad Wolf comes out and wants to feed.
After an hour passes I nearly scare myself at the damn epiphany of what I have just written. It has been a week and a half since I wrote about the paper bound journal I once kept. The one with the final entry titled, “The Book of Anger”. Suddenly the words haunt me that is it not me who tells me that I must write about “good things”, but it is someone else’s voice.
I woke at some ungodly hour this morning and suffered several hours of fighting The Bad Wolf alone, before my leather sister woke up and came to nurture me and give me strength. She is my solace, my calm in the storm. As I talked to her I remind her that it is coming up on the anniversary that I came to visit her and told her the truth about my unhappiness. She reminds me that it is normal around anniversary dates of events that involve trauma to have deep emotions. Sometimes it is very hard to forgive oneself, more so than it is to forgive others.
Today, it was a struggle, but I refuse to give The Bad Wolf even a morsel.
Today, The Good Wolf won.
Two Wolves – A Cherokee Parable
(thanks Jenna for telling me this story)
An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.”
“One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.”
“The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”
“This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”
The old chief simply replied,
“The one you feed.”
I was heading out to meet with an acquaintance, at Utopia Restaurant a few days ago and I wanted to bring a pen and paper to take notes. I found a notebook and tossed it in my bag, then began to search for my special LLC (Leather Leadership Conference) pen. My pen was not in the usual location and so I started searching throughout my bag to see if I could find something else to use in the meantime. I searched and searched and was rather put out that I didn’t have one other writing instrument in my bag. It’s really an uncommon event to happen. Persistently, I began to dig again and then I felt something. No, I felt some things. I stopped using my hand to look inside blindly and used my eyes to examine what I was touching. What I was holding was the broken pencil that Master Fire Ma’am had given to me at MsC (Master slave Conference). Thoughts of this pencil have been weaving in and out of my conscious stream ever since.
I got this pencil from Master Fire Ma’am at a class I attended about breaking down barriers & social constructs around the phrases “I’m sorry” “Please” and “Thank you.” When Master Fire handed me the pencil I was happy. I like pencils, and well, it was from her 🙂 I thought, “What an awesome class, we get presents.” 😀 Then Master Fire says, “In a moment I am going to ask each of you to break your pencils.” I’m sure that upon hearing this news, I gasped loudly. She stopped and noted the various reactions to her statement and then had us think about our reactions and asked why we did react the way we did. I like writing, so I have positive associations to this item and it has value to me. I am a bit old fashion and sometimes I miss the days of written letters, notes, and good penmanship. It troubled me and upset me greatly the idea of breaking this pencil. It seemed like a wrong thing to do and made me feel sad. I didn’t want to do that! One by one we each had to break our pencils. She chose an emotion and when a person felt that they could demonstrate that emotion while breaking their pencil they had to stand up in the class and let the rest of the people see what that looks like. Master Fire then went on to ask us how we thought we could repair our broken pencil and that was followed by a talk about throwing it away. My response was to repair it by sharpening it, and Master Fire pointed out that in my solution I focused on sharpening only one half, and it was the half that had the eraser. Throwing it away was not something I felt comfortable with. As you have hopefully figured out there are a lot of ways that these exercises helped us to reflect about how we deal with relationships.
I was shocked to see that after all this time I was still walking around with my pencil. I wondered what it symbolized that I was still holding on to it and that it was not repaired? I write to Master Fire Ma’am and ask her if she had told us to throw away the pencil? I honestly couldn’t remember. I told MFM that I felt it was important to fix the pencil and that I had some plans outside the house that day and the first thing I meant to do was to stop and buy a pencil sharpener. I added that not only did I plan to sharpen the half with the eraser, but that I was also going to sharpen the other end that did not have an eraser. And that I felt that even though the other half was not as useful as the one with the eraser it still had value.
Master Fire Ma’am explained some things to me and ended her reply whimsically by saying,
“As for the other half of the pencil, perhaps it’s meant to be shared. We bet your bunny would love to chew on it. 😉 “
The is my personal Credo that I started writing in 2009. This version is was written for the year 2011. So here you go. I am sharing and recycling this old post and hoping you find it uplifting in some small way.
December 12, 2010 by karida
This year is coming to an end. It’s the best year I have had in a long time. I took risks, I grew emotionally and intellectually. I know I can love again. I can dream again. I can hope again. I haven’t found the right balance, but I can love and lose, laugh and cry, and still be happy even when the ending isn’t the one I wished for. So here is 2011’s updated credo.
This is my Credo*. It’s a personal inventory of what I believe, how I feel, and things that have internal meaning to me today. My fundamental beliefs and guiding principles. Now & then, as time passes, I will add, adapt, or delete parts of My Credo. Continue reading