“…You owe me a Coke”
“No, I don’t. Why?”
“We said it at the same time and I called, ‘Jinx!’, so you owe me a Coke”
“I didn’t consent to the game.”
“But everybody knows the game.”
“Well, I didn’t know the game and I didn’t consent, so I don’t owe you a Coke.”
“but that’s the rules!”
“I didn’t know the rules.”
“Everybody knows the rules.”
“Well, I didn’t know the rules, and I am somebody, so clearly not everybody knows the rules. I can’t owe you a Coke for a game I didn’t consent to and with rules I didn’t consent to.”
“Yea, but you owe me a Coke.”
“Well, I didn’t consent, but… I will get you a Coke! I saw a special one I wanted to get for you anyway as a surprise.”
“Ooohh, I like the one with the polar bear… Is it a bear?”
“I said it’s a surprise. If I tell you then it’s not a surprise…”
This a real conversation I had yesterday, with my little leather sister Jade. I was just being silly about the consent. It did get me thinking though about the simple need of having rules, consent, and expectations.
Some people think it’s okay, even good, to let things develop organically within a D/s relationship. It sounds nice in theory, the idea of, “let’s just see where this goes.” The more I think about it though, that is a little scary for me. That didn’t go so well for me in my past. In reality I was unhappy a lot of the time. I kept asking for structure, some rules, or rituals. I can’t thrive in “organic”, if it ends up feeling a lot more like chaotic. Organic produce takes a lot of attention and effort and I feel that hierarchical relationships are that way too. They need more attention, not less. Organic wouldn’t be a bad words as long as people accept that to get the great healthy harvest, effort has to be placed into the crop and fields.
I know that a this point, I feel a bit insecure without some rules and order from the start. Without that I am left continually guessing, and then when I do not guess correctly I am left feeling like a failure. I feel it’s important to begin laying a solid structure at the very beginning. I need to have some small successes at the start. I think it’s really good though to talk about rules and expectation at the very start and to put some doing behind the words. Earn it everyday from both sides of the slash. Not this crap about “If you give me your submission, then I will dominate you” type of stuff. Today I forgive myself for telling the story in my head that, “If I had just done x,y,z…” or some other similar story that puts me at blame for the epic fails. Fuck that noise. If you didn’t inspire me, as a dominant, then that is on you, not me.
Keeping it realer than most.