Tag Archive | Love

F.E.A.R.

fearmeanings

One day in September I did a banking errand for my mom and inside the teller’s area I saw this acronym, F.E.A.R. written on a dry erase board. I’ve seen it or heard before someplace, yet each time I visited the bank I would find myself looking at the board and stare at it. I’d wait in line and quietly reflect. I’m definitely not a Forget Everything And  Run kind of girl. I’ve thought about times in my life where I had to pick myself up, dust myself off, and just move forward, one step, then another, and another. Over those two months I spent caring for my mom in Florida through to today my mind kept going back to those words on the board. Maybe it was premonition. Maybe, that message was preparing me for these past few months and also the months and years that are ahead of us. I have been feeling fear in a number of areas of my life recently.  I have this strange feeling this message came to me at just the right time and that it’s so important for me to Face Everything And Rise right now.

I finally came out to all of my family in the past year. My children and my ex-husband already knew about me being queer and kinky. This was new information for my mother, step-dad, sister, brothers, and in-laws. Some clearly prefer to just not speak about the matter, while others have been very accepting, warm, and loving. I remember telling my mom first. I sat with her at the dining room table, just her and I alone. I was nervous, but it went well. I am fortunate that I’ve always had a close relationship with my mom. I’ve always believed I could tell her anything and that she would still love me. Even then, it was still scary. I guess it’s because I thought it would confuse her, possibly scare her, anger her, disappoint or hurt her. Yet, I knew I had to find the courage to spit the words out and that it would somehow be okay. I didn’t want to live another day longer hiding who I am. And somehow I found the words and it was all okay. I love my mother with all my heart. Face Everything And Rise.

holding-handsMy girlfriend is amazing. She spoils me with affection and truly she inspires me to be better and do better. Of course I think my Daddy is the best and deserves all kinds of goodness and kindness. Everyday I want to bring joy and happiness into her life. There has been more than a few times when I have had to call a BFF to walk me off the ledge, because the truth is sometimes I think she deserves better than me. She’s very organized, completely got this adulting thing down one hundred percent, and just has it all so together. Meanwhile, I’m going through life flying by the seat of my pants, usually making it up as I go along, and so often very sure that I am quite a hot mess. Maybe a fun, sexy, lovable hot mess, but a hot mess all the same. So sometimes I feel insecure or fearful, because I am opening my heart to love again. Yet, I’m a risk taker, so I just leap. And as surprising as it is to me, my hot butch Daddy feels similar fears too. And then there are other fears. External fears of how our progressive little bubble of NYC may change in the coming years. I will not stop holding her hand, kissing her, or hide my love. Love is love. So each day, week, month, and hopefully over the years, together we will overcome our fears. Face Everything And Rise.

fear-quotesSome days I still become emotional and cry when I think about this year’s Presidential election. Like many other women, the loss hurt, but even more it’s left a shadow of fear. I fear for my young adult daughters. I fear for my gay and trans friends. I fear for immigrants and people of color. I fear for all marginalized groups. That’s a lot of fear and I have to lift myself up, dust myself off, and move forward. One step, then another, and another. Now is not the time to lose heart. Now is the time for strong women to support each other and build each other up. I’ll be in NYC volunteering for Lesbian Sex Mafia. I’ll be in Washington, DC on January 21, 2017 at the Women’s March on Washington. I’ll do what I can to hold space. I know who I am. I’m the kind of girl who will Face Everything And Rise.

Hiking

It feels like I’ve been hiking my whole life, yet very little of that has happened in the tradition place most people imagine when they hear that word. Last weekend my girlfriend, my lover, my hot butch leather Daddy went hiking in the woods, the traditional way. And I was in the city lamenting that I was not able to take in the changing color of autumn leaves by her side. The following day I had an epiphany about hiking and stopped my lamentations and replaced it with gratitude.

broadwaycamelwebI have lived my life in the concrete jungles of the world. The modern cities of our world, sometimes grimy, unpleasant,  and challenging. There is a lot of hiking that happens in these cities and thankfully not all of it is tough and hard, but some of it is brilliant, vibrant, and inspiring. On Sunday Daddy and I were in the city exploring, on a mission to find body jewelry that met both our satisfaction.  Walking north on Broadway we came across an exhibit with displays spaced out over many blocks. I stop at the first one not knowing there would be more and like a tourist or an unabashed New Yorker I rush up and ask her to take a picture. As we kept moving up Broadway I would find a new figure, color, design, pattern to fall in love with more than the previous one. As we walk along I  say to my Daddy, “This is why I love this city. Every day is an opportunity for a new adventure.” I may miss the colors of the autumn leaves changing, but the city gave me her own vibrant, unique changing of colors as we hiked along her concrete paths.

This morning I am reminded of other hikes, the type most don’t think about and the kind most people usually don’t share stories about. The hikes where one must lift them self up, find the strength to move one step forward, face everything and rise. I think of times we cross paths with others  and then we show who we are… will you hoist another up? Will you share your water, give them your shoulder to lean on, or carry them the distance when they struggle?  These are the long hard hikes, where perseverance, determination, and loyalty are born. These are the hikes where character forms. Who are you and who will you become?

My Credo

The is my personal Credo that I started writing in 2009. This version is was written for the year 2011. So here you go. I am sharing and recycling this old post and hoping you find it uplifting in some small way.

December 12, 2010 by karida

This year is coming to an end. It’s the best year I have had in a long time. I took risks, I grew emotionally and intellectually. I know I can love again. I can dream again. I can hope again. I haven’t found the right balance, but I can love and lose, laugh and cry, and still be happy even when the ending isn’t the one I wished for. So here is 2011’s updated credo.

This is my Credo*. It’s a personal inventory of what I believe, how I feel, and things that have internal meaning to me today. My fundamental beliefs and guiding principles. Now & then, as time passes, I will add, adapt, or delete parts of My Credo. Continue reading

The Power of Vulnerability

I watched this video a couple of years ago and it had a huge impact on me. I had an awakening. I thought, “Holy crap, that’s me…”  I remember in 2009 I decided to start writing a Credo.  When I look back at my Credo I see a lot of whole heartedness.  I live with an open heart and I believe my vulnerability is beautiful. It is so important to me, that even when I am hurt by those I gave my love to, that I refuse to stop risking. My ability to remain vulnerable is at the core of who I am and where my happiness, joy, and creativity flourishes from. I discovered this TED talk after I had begun to identify within the BDSM culture as a girl. I hope others, and specifically girls and their Daddies, find this video as interesting and valuable as I did.